"My dentist said I need a crown. And I was like, I know, right?"
"It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time."
"Does it count as saving a person's life if you simply refrain from killing them?"
"I don't mean to spoil the ending for you... But everything is going to be ok."
"Someone told me I act like I'm always right. I told them I'm not acting"
"I'd Like A Cafe Mocha, Valium, Vodka, Latte, Please."
"I have 3 hairstyles: 1. Up 2. Down and 3. Homeless"
"I'm not moody. I simply have days when I'm less inclined to put up with people."
"A boy told me I play like a girl. I told him if he tried harder, he could too."
"I'm old, but I feel like I'm 20. Then I hang out with 20-year-olds, and I'm like, nevermind, I'm old."
"You can't fix STUPID but you can numb it with a 2x4"
"The next time a stranger talks to me I'm going to look shocked and whisper, You can see me?"
"One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge. It will be called YouTwitFace."
"Coffee you're on the bench. Alcohol suit up."
"Patience is... what you have when there are too many witnesses."
"Don't you wish we could play an old fashioned game of Red Rover, clothesline the people who aggravate us, and call it a day?"
"Dear Santa, It wasn't my fault."
"Without my morning coffee, I might as well be a DOG!"