"I'm allergic to stupid. I break out in sarcasm."
"Everyone was thinking it. I just said it."
"My dentist said I need a crown. And I was like, I know, right?"
"Who left the bag of idiots open?"
"It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time."
"Some people are like old TVs... You have to hit them upside the head a few times to get the picture."
"Does it count as saving a person's life if you simply refrain from killing them?"
"You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands. For instance, If she has them around your neck, she's probably slightly upset."
"I don't mean to spoil the ending for you... But everything is going to be ok."
"Someone told me I act like I'm always right. I told them I'm not acting"
"I'd Like A Cafe Mocha, Valium, Vodka, Latte, Please."
"I have 3 hairstyles: 1. Up 2. Down and 3. Homeless"
"I don't know about you, but I've thought more about running away as an adult than I ever did as a child."
"I'm not moody. I simply have days when I'm less inclined to put up with people."
"A boy told me I play like a girl. I told him if he tried harder, he could too."
"I'm old, but I feel like I'm 20. Then I hang out with 20-year-olds, and I'm like, nevermind, I'm old."
"You can't fix STUPID but you can numb it with a 2x4"
"The next time a stranger talks to me I'm going to look shocked and whisper, You can see me?"