"My dentist said I need a crown. And I was like, I know, right?"
"It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time. It's not worth the jail time."
"Does it count as saving a person's life if you simply refrain from killing them?"
"I don't mean to spoil the ending for you... But everything is going to be ok."
"Someone told me I act like I'm always right. I told them I'm not acting"
"I'd Like A Cafe Mocha, Valium, Vodka, Latte, Please."
"I have 3 hairstyles: 1. Up 2. Down and 3. Homeless"
"I'm not moody. I simply have days when I'm less inclined to put up with people."
"A boy told me I play like a girl. I told him if he tried harder, he could too."
"I'm old, but I feel like I'm 20. Then I hang out with 20-year-olds, and I'm like, nevermind, I'm old."
"You can't fix STUPID but you can numb it with a 2x4"
"The next time a stranger talks to me I'm going to look shocked and whisper, You can see me?"
"One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge. It will be called YouTwitFace."
"Coffee you're on the bench. Alcohol suit up."
"Patience is... what you have when there are too many witnesses."
"Don't you wish we could play an old fashioned game of Red Rover, clothesline the people who aggravate us, and call it a day?"
"Dear Santa, It wasn't my fault."
"Without my morning coffee, I might as well be a DOG!"
"When I'm Lucky Enough to be at the mountains... I'm Lucky Enough."
"Read my Yips!"
"Hey Baby! Show me your ticks!"
"Reach for the Stars"
"Dogs have masters. Cats have staff."
"Things grew sinister once Fluffy found the Spot remover."
"Sons of Beaches"
"Reigning Cats and Dogs"
"Before my morning coffee, I'm a real Bear"
"Peeves make the worst pets."
"Like I said officer... He called me a HO... THREE times!"
"Moosage in a bottle"
"It's a Dog eat Dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear!"
"When I'm Lucky Enough to be at the Lake... I'm Lucky Enough"
"Get a long little doggie"
"A few presents short of a full sleigh"
"May the Forest Be with you"
"Curiousity killed the cat That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
"Cat Scratch Fever"
"Let me get this straight? I'm supposed to pay money for a dead tree, not get freaked out by a fat guy in a red suit, and eat candy out of my socks?"
"Look! It makes bubbles!"
"To Do: Get Milk (check) Get Cookies (check) Be Good (not checked)"
"When Snowmen go bad."
"I want to be Santa, he knows where all the bad boys live!"
"This year Mr.Snowman thought he'd quit while he was a head."
"Don't bother me... I'm living happily ever after."
"Better to have LOVED and LOST, than to have spent the rest of my life with that Psycho!"
"Cancel my subscription... I don't want your issues."
"For a Good Time call... (... someone else)"
"I would not, could not, with a goat."
"I see stupid people."
"I can't remember if I'm the GOOD sister or EVIL one."
"I think... therefore I'm single."
"Sarcasm... just one more service I offer."
"Does this saddle make my butt look big?"
"What part of princess don't you understand?"
"Someday your prince will come (Unfortunately, mine is too stubborn to ask for directions.)"
"Follow Your Dreams (except for that one where you go to work naked and dance the polka)"
"Do I LOOK like a People Person?"
"I consider ONTIME to be when I get there."
"Underneath it all... I'm pretty much naked."
"Let me introduce MYSELVES!"
"When in doubt MUMBLE."
"'Not a Morning Person' doesn't even BEGIN to describe it."
"Is it time for your medication or mine?"
"You have to kiss alot of frogs...(that's all you just have to kiss alot of frogs) "
"One Hot Chick"
"What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it is all about?"
"Where are we going and why are we in this Handbasket?"
"I live on GREENS."
"What am I? Flypaper for freaks?"
"Don't make me get my flying monkeys!"
"Jesus Loves you...but I'm His Favorite."
"I want my fairy godmother!"
"I don't drink anymore. (I also don't drink any less!)"
"License to Chill"
"You're not the BOSS of me."
"I tried to sleep my way to the top but my alarm kept waking me up."
"Take my advice... I don't use it anyway."